Word to your mother...

To quote Staind, "it's been a while," and I'm sorry if my absence has left you devoid of anger, hatred, cookies and burlap sacks.

My good friend, Dave, has just reminded me that I have not updated my precious site for nigh on 8 weeks! A travesty indeed.
So thank you Dave, I shall make your death quick and rectal.

And now I proceed to shed some light on this "economic crisis" we are all facing.

It's bullshit. There's still money. It's just that those Wall Street fatcats don't want you to know there is, hoping you'll bulk-buy toilet paper, baked beans, glow-sticks and baby powder.

Now HBOS has been brought by Lloyds TSB, and they've formed a superbank, which sounds quite cool. I imagine it to be like a normal bank, but when it takes it's glasses off, it bangs Lois Lane and can fly. Superb.

So, I offer 1 piece of money-saving advice - DON'T BUY CRACK.

adios,
Steve!

Hello, and thanks for stopping by.
Would you like a cuppa, perhaps a biscuit, or would you prefer some boiling hot acid spewed forth from my oesophagus?!?!

Thats right, ol' Hatred Filled Bristle-Tongue is back, bitches!

'Bout time I let rip on some cunts..... the trouble is, where to begin?

With this torrid wasteland of life we can "existence" there are so many deserving of jabs, hooks, uppercuts and backhands.
If only those aforementioned actions could be given by Wolverine, we might see some progress....

First on the list of "People who deserve some form of torture, preferably anal burning" is animal abusers.
People who hurt dogs, cats, rabbits, mice and hamsters deserve a proper working over.
I read a story in The Telegraph this morning that over 1400 cases of animal cruelty were brought before the courts in the last 12 months.
Sentences range from jail time, fines and the punishment of "not being allowed to own a pet".
But these are not nearly harsh enough!!

A man kicked a kitten to death because it had muddy paws. And a couple cut their Staffie's ears so he'd look more menacing.
Another fuckwad beat a border collie for the fact the dog had a bigger cock than him.

What these cunts need is 4 hours alone with me and my mate Stomper, 2 pairs of brass knuckles and a bottle of apple juice (for afterwards, beating people is thirsty work).

If you hurt an animal, you're on the same level as paedo's, priests and terror-inciting Muslims in my book.

Which brings me to my next point: Why I Like the Jews.
Yes, I have said it.
I like the Jews. They seem like good people. And Israel seems like a good country.
They all speak pretty good English, they have a good coloured flag (white/blue) and that hot chick who was banging Leo DiCaprio is from there.
Well done.
I think it sucks how Iran wants to wipe Israel off the map.
I think Mahmoud Armpitsmellbad, or whatever the fuck his name is should read a history book or 2.
The Jews have been around longer than Muslims & Christians, and they're still trucking along.

I think they get a bum rap.

We have hatred filled Islamic donkey-rapers preaching against "The West" and advising their fellow arse-munchers to rise up against the non-believers.
We get crazy Christians blowing up abortion clinics and getting little altar boys to drink from "their Holy Grail" (thats a clever BJ remark right there!).
But do we get any Jews preaching for the destruction of all non-Jewish states? No.
Do we get murderous Jews claiming abortion is wrong? Not that I know of.

FFS, Jesus himself was King of the Jews!

Jew's are the originals, all others are fakers/haters. Big up Israel, you have a friend in me.
And those Mossad dudes are well badass.

I don't have a third point - wait, yes I do.

I don't like chav's.

Y'know, I often cop a lot of flack for my taste in women.

Apart from my adoring, pretty, voluptuous girlfriend, most people lament my choice of what I consider to be "hot bitches".

Take, for example, my Numero Uno choice: Nicole Kidman.
I love her. She is gorgeous. I would do things to her that I can't even put into words.
She is a goddess in my eyes, and I think she is an extraordinary actress to boot.

But many people would say "Really? Her?".

Like when I declared that Marcia Cross (Bree) was my favourite Housewife. Yes, 98% of the population would say Eva Longoria-Parker but she just doesnt do it for me.
I'd give Teri Hatcher a seeing to as well though.

Angelina Jolie is another who warrants a mention, she ranks #2 on my list.  Rounding out the top 5 are Scarlett Johannsen, Gwen Stefani and Cheryl Cole.... closely followed by Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Simpson, the rest of Girls Aloud, the chick who plays Hermione in Harry Potter (yes, she's legal, I checked) and Emily Blunt.

2 slightly older beauties who get the nod; Sigourney Weaver and Dame Helen Mirren. Meow.

Dame Helen recently got snapped in a red bikini in Italy, and she is looking damn fine for 62.

Yes, she's old enough to be my grandmother (if my mother happened to be a slut) but she's definitely got it going on.

Take a look:

You'd do her.

Can't stop, I'm in a hurry to get home and down the pub for the Champions League final tonight!

It's Blue vs Red, Chelsea vs Manchester United in the first all English final!

Brilliant!

Sorry for the use of !! but I am just so excited!

I predict a 2-1 Chelsea victory.

Blue is the colour
Football is the game
We're all together
And winning is our aim

So cheer us on
Through the sun and rain
'Cos Chelsea
Chelsea is our name

===============================================

Chelsea
Wherever you may be
We are the famous CFC

I'll be a happy man tomorrow provided we win!

L8rz peeps

Guten Tag Damen und Herren

I take a break from my usual hate-filled spewings to write about music this week!
HARK!

THE OFFSPRING - Hammerhead (single)
The new single from their forthcoming album 'Rise & Fall, Rage & Grace' is a return to early Offspring.
The Offspring could be described as perhaps having one of the biggest falls from grace; after selling gazillions of copies (16mil) of their 1994 classic SMASH, they went on to release some of the worst punk/pop music I can think of. Whilst they did record some decent tracks on their recent albums, they have never reached the levels of popularity which they used to enjoy.
This new single doesn't have the same almost industrial feel of SMASH but is quality none-the-less. I 'think' it's available for download legally somewhere. 3½ out of 5

FLOBOTS - Handlebars (single)
Whilst this single isn't 'new' per say, it's currently on high rotation on KROQ FM, a Los Angeles radio station which plays some pretty awesome music.
Flobots are an indie/hip-hop group from Denver, and I would describe their sound as a mix between Gym Class Heroes, Incubus and Sublime, but with less ska.
Intelligent lyrics, good beats and an eye for comedy makes this band (and the single) one of my new favourites. 4 out of 5

PANIC AT THE DISCO - Nine in the Afternoon
PATD have now dropped the silly ! from their name, which should make typists happier. This song is a bit different to their earlier stuff, less orchestrally emo and more sunshine melody.
They claim their new album was inspired by the music they listened to as kids, and thats quite evident. That isn't to say it's o good - it is, but it's different to thier first album. The song "She's a Handsome Woman" is great as well. 3½ out of 5.

NERF HERDER - IV (album)
The originally titled album, IV, from this pop/punk group basically ticks all the boxes: rude lyrics, check. Catchy beats, check. Pining for lost loves, check.
Nerf Herder are not considered a 'cool' band, and most people will probably say their music is all the same, but they're just trying to make people laugh, and that ca't be a bad thing.
If you like Blink 182, Millencolin and MxPx then I am sure you'll like Nerf Herder. 3½ out of 5.

NO USE FOR A NAME - Feel Good Record of the Year (album)
Latest album from the NUFAN boys, and I think this is one of their best albums to date. Just good punk rock. 3½ out of 5.

PENDULUM - Propane Nightmares (single)
This song is currently on the playlist of BBC's Radio 1, and its a stonker of a track. I am by no means a Drum&Bass fan, but Pendulum manage to get me tapping my feet.
This is more 'rock' than true D&B, and kinda reminds me a bit of Concord Dawn with more guitars and vocals. Recommended. 4 out of 5.

THE RACONTEURS - Consoler of the Lonely (single/album)
Follow up album from the band most people will know as "The White Stripes minus Meg plus 4 other dudes". Jack White's voice is awesome on the opening track, and the whole album has a rocky feel to it. Different to The White Stripes (of whom I am a fan), I guess in the same way A Perfect Circle is quite different to Tool (with Maynard James Keenan being the link). Have a listen, I like it. 4 out of 5.

GIRLS ALOUD - Can't Speak French (single)
Again, this isn't a new song, but my love of Cheryl Cole prompts me to include it. Brilliant video, sexy chicks. It's like porn your girlfriend will like. 4 out of 5.
P.S. Cheryl, if you read this, ditch Ashley and marry me. P.P.S Ashley, I'm a Chelsea fan, so whilst I support you, why did you cheat on Cheryl??? She's so hot I bet the Sun is jealous!

That should keep you idiots happy for a while.

If not, sue me! (Please don't sue me)

Jeff! 

Napolean. Leonardo da Vinci. Didier Drogba. The bombing of Hiroshima. The hybrid car. Teri Hatcher's boobs in 'Seinfeld'.

These events, people or things have had a profound impact on the world.
And now we have one more to add to the list.

GRAND THEFT AUTO. FOUR.

I won't bore you to death with a review, as there are many people more articulate that I who can confirm how excellent this game is.
Rockstar have certainly taken all the cool elements of previous GTA's and improved on them.
Graphics on the Xbox 360 are great; maybe not as good as some other games I have played, but then most other games don't allow you to go 10 Pin Bowling with a potential girlfriend, engage in some hand-to-hand combat with pedestrians or drive drunk whilst being pursued by the cops.

I have only played the game for an hour, but that hour was something special. I escaped from the cops twice, honked the car horn to make people move and I got some pretty funky sunglasses for nothing!

All in all, this game is superb. Massive environment, most of which is interactive. Good storyline. Guns, hookers, fast cars.

In a word, BRILLIANT.

I have also heard a lot of people criticisng the game for "promoting violence." I laugh heartily when I hear such foolish remarks.
Wht about boxing? Ricky Hatton is a great boxer who does a lot for the community, and is an idol for many youngsters, but he gets paid (and paid well) to FIGHT other men.
Is this not promoting violence also?

I have played every incarnation of GTA, going right back to when you had that birds eye view of the city and driving was really hard. I must have killed hundreds of police in the game. I have stolen hundreds of thousands of fake money; smashed up thousands of cars; had sex with a hooker; gambled away all my money; used brass knucks, baseball bats and all sorts of guns to mow down innocent civilians by the truckload, yet one thing remained constant. I KNEW IT WAS A FUCKING GAME! Not once did I think "Hmmm, maybe I should try this in real life!"
To my knowledge I have never killed anyone in real life, or robbed people, or smashed up other people's cars. Yet I have played GTA for years.

Is something wrong with me?
No. I am normal. And hopefully always will be. 99.9% of the GTA playing population are just like me. Using games as something fun to pass the time.
NOT as a platform from which to launch a career of homicdal tendencies.

We ned to accept that some peopl are just retarded and would probably still go on a murderous rampage after playing Alex Kidd on an old Sega Master System.
The sooner we accept this fact, the better off we will be.

The game comes with an 18+ rating in most countries, so kids shouldn't be able to buy it. Yes, I realise that there are many ways to get around that (I myself have purchased ae restricted material in the past when I was underage) but I think retailers should check ID before making a sale.

Also, parents need to take responsibility for what their kids are doing. Stop blaming others for your fuckbag kids being little cunts.

Word

I am off now to blow some shit up. Just in the game though, don't worry.

Buenos dias compadres...

It has been a scary few days, let me tell you.

I didn't realise it, but my registration of Mad-Mat.com had expired! OH THE HORROR!!!

For literally 5 days I have been unable to check emails, post hateful comments or doing "internet shopping"! Like living in The Dark Ages I can assure you.

Yet, HARK! There is light on yonder horizon. As you have no doubt guessed, my site is back up & running! HUZZAH!
Never have I been so happy. Well, not since the time I found £10 and hired that hooker to beat with a piece of garden hose.

But, as the song goes, "...back, from outer space, I just walked into find you here" - actually, it's only really that first bit that's relevant.

Still, it feels SOOOOOO good to be connected to The Internet™ once again.

Tiny Asian Penis!

Whoops, wrong blog!

Ahem.... Hello wretched souls - how the hell are you?

As those of you lucky enough to be considered a "friend" will know, it was recently the anniversary of my birth.
And what a 'birthday' it was!

My wonderful girlfriend !!britty!! had organised dinner at a Brazilian BBQ restaurant. Now, for those of you too stupid to know what a chuhascaria is; tough shit, look it up.
All I can tell you is it's fucking awesome. Unless you're some kind of gaywad vegan/vegetarian.
If you are, I suggest swallowing a few cyanide caps, as your life isn't worth the paper a South African passport is printed on.

Oh how we ate! Meat, meat and then even more meat!
Lamb, chicken, beef, pork - all the major food groups were covered.

By the time our sitting was finished, I could actually feel small pieces of flesh making their way towards my brain. Happy Birthday to ME!

From there, we ventured to a local drinking establishment, where we proceeded to not order cocktails.

The nigt gets blurry from there, but I know at 01.30am I ate a chicken burger from the "normally salmonella-infested" Texa Fried Chicken & I didn't vomit.

RESULT.